One of the Greatest Kindnesses
by Robert Hackman
Words and Picture by Charlie Mackesy
Follow your dreams
Be yourself, an angel of kindness
From the song ‘I Believe in You’
By Celine Dion
‘Being kind to yourself can be one of the greatest kindnesses,’ said the mole in the book The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse by Charlie Mackesy.
Yet, how absurdly challenging I find it can be for me to practice being kind to myself. Please read on if the same is true for you.
It makes me wonder what gets in the way. It would solve many of the world’s ills if we could somehow master it.
The mole continues, ‘We often wait for kindness…but being kind to yourself can start now.’
How true! Although, I often forget that fact.
Do you ever overlook it?
Kindness is always available for us to give.
Still, for many reasons, we feel compelled to deny ourselves kindness. We believe we do not deserve it. We think we must be vigilant so that we don’t get complacent.
We forget that we know ourselves distinctly differently than we know others, including our shadow parts others cannot see.
Even the times we comprehend this, we tend to compare our insides to other people’s outsides, and of course, we find ourselves lacking.
Consequently, we withhold the vulnerable parts of ourselves from others – causing them to withhold them, too. This causes us to question ourselves and makes us wonder how different we are. We become afraid we don’t measure up, which makes us feel unsafe.
We put ourselves on guard, separating ourselves from others and mistrusting them. Lack of trust makes us fearful.
We tend to be less kind when we are fearful.
We mistakenly believe we don’t need to tend to our fears and struggles. So, we pretend we don’t have them. However, they are part of us all. The human condition we all share. Ignoring them gets us into trouble in our relationships with family, friends, team members, and within organizations and communities.
Paying attention to the conflicting dynamics within us and how they affect the ways we relate to ourselves and others is foundational to leadership. All leadership starts with self-leadership.
You frequently find it more challenging to be kind to yourself than others. Yet being kind to yourself increases your capacity to show kindness to others.
Many people I know believe they can be hard on themselves without impacting their kindness towards others. I don’t see it that way. Our capacity to exhibit kindness to ourselves directly corresponds with our ability to be kind to others. When one expands or constricts, it affects the other and vice versa.
No one has more control over this than we do. We do ourselves and others an enormous service by getting on with it. Often, we require help.
I am profoundly grateful to my daughter, Allison, who bought copies of the book for our family to share and discuss. Father-daughter relationships can be extraordinary. She is a gem.
In the book, she wrote, ‘I know how profound, simple stories made for children can be and thought you would appreciate it too – after all, we are forever children in some sense.’
Wow, I agree! And like the book’s author, she conveyed a lot in very few words.
We think we get better and more sophisticated with age, and sometimes we do. Still, we would do well to follow Charlie’s advice in some crucial ways and ‘attend the school of unlearning.’
You can be candid and kind.
An exceedingly tender book with gorgeous illustrations intended for readers of every age, it conveys penetrating insights and truths so subtly that they can be quickly glossed over or dismissed.
I found it repeatedly tugged at my heart and stopped me in my tracks, and I am so glad it did.
As a leader, to be effective, you must take time to restore yourself and reset. The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse is one way to do that. It is a book to be savored and returned to frequently, beginning with any section you choose.
Please learn to be kind to yourself. After all, ‘being kind to yourself can be one of life’s greatest kindnesses.’ You will be part of bringing kindness into a world that sorely needs it.
Worthy Considerations:
- How do honest, caring friendships shape your life? What prevents you from nurturing them?
- How does practicing kindness towards yourself affect you and others with whom you interact? What holds you back? Are you willing to start today?
- How does taking risks to share yourself vulnerably with others impact your relationships? Might doing so grow your kindness?
- Do you take time to restore and reset yourself as a leader? If so, how? What happens when you don’t?
- Do you, your team, and your organization value kindness? Can you be kind without being considered soft? How do you know?
If you want to discuss ways to develop and grow your leadership to benefit yourself, your team, your family, or your organization, please reach out to me. I welcome the connection.
Robert Hackman, Principal, 4C Consulting and Coaching. He provides executive coaching for leadership impact, growth, and development for individuals, teams, and organizations. Committed to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion, he facilitates trusting environments that promote unusually candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of developing Legacy Mindsets and has conducted over 50 Legacy interviews with people to date.
A serious man with a dry sense of humor who loves absurdity can often be found hiking rocky elevations or making music playlists. His mixes, including Pandemic Playlists and Music About Men, among others, can be found on Spotify.
Bravely bring your curiosity to a conversation with Rob, schedule via voice or text @ 484.800.2203 or rhackman@4cconsulting.net.