Developing the Vital Habit of Turning Toward
by Robert Hackman
Photograph by Gus Moretta on Unsplash
‘Don’t accept that what’s happening
Is just the case of others’ suffering
Or you’ll find that you’re joining in
The turning away’
From the song ‘The Turning Away’
By Pink Floyd
‘If we don’t transform our sorrow and longings, we can end up inflicting them on others via abuse, domination, neglect. But if we realize that all humans know – or will know – loss and suffering, we can turn toward each other,’ writes Susan Cain in her book Bittersweet, How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole.
I write this trying to fathom the anguish of those experiencing the sudden loss of a child or loved one, the torment desperate violence inflicts on families and communities, and the collective disillusionment of a society unwilling to respond.
I am not in favor of feeling sorrow or loss per se. However, I recognize their inevitability and importance. I am not always sure others do, which makes me curious.
What makes us turn away from these feelings? What are the consequences of denying them? What happens when we feel them and turn towards others instead?
Except for brief periods, such as the immediate aftermath of a tragedy, in which sadness is deemed appropriate, we do not accept sorrow in American culture.
People asking how you are doing are not seeking an authentic answer. They can feel put upon if you respond in a way that does match the sanitized social nicety they expect.
We live in an always-up culture determined to stamp out down feelings, moods, or periods. We regard them as unwelcome and unnecessary. Success is king.
Consequently, we embrace business as an antidote to unwanted emotions. Moving frantically from one activity to another, believing if we cross everything off our to-do lists, everything will be O.K. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
We mistakenly believe grieving the losses we encounter daily and, at times, more profoundly, will separate us from others. Yet the opposite is true.
Our business keeps us from prioritizing what is most vital in favor of what is most expedient at the moment. Stuffing undesirable emotions, deemed socially acceptable, does not serve us.
Ignoring them leaves them raw and unprocessed, ensuring they stay with us.
Over time they pile up, weigh you down, and make you resentful.
Unprocessed hurt, sadness, and grief become anger and rage cloaked in grievance. Our narrative becomes how others have wronged us, society, the government, or most cynically by ‘the other,’ as personified by people of color, immigrants, gay and transgender communities, and elites (code word for Jews).
Othering deliberately miscasts groups of people as criminals, groomers, and predators, dehumanizing them. It is a form of violence.
As our fears and anxieties grow, so does our list of who or what constitutes otherness. We project our discomfort with ourselves and our situation outward onto others we deem ‘less than’ in the form of righteous indignation.
Anger and rage frequently mask other emotions, covering up the more painful feelings of loneliness, isolation, abandonment, alienation, shame, guilt, and helplessness.
Ironically, anger and rage are considered acceptable emotions for men. Sadness is not. Unfortunately, we see the tragic results of this cultural restriction regularly playing out in the most destructive ways.
We, too, can wield our unprocessed grief as a weapon when we distance ourselves from the darkness within us, pretending it does not exist.
The vast majority of people do not consciously contribute violence to society. However, when we are not careful, we do.
Our culture strongly influences us, and yet we must also take responsibility for our contributions to it.
Operating from a place of grievance separates us from our natural inclination for compassion and connection. Demonizing others does nothing to foster the relationships and belonging we crave. It separates us further.
Renowned researcher Dacher Keltner writes in his book, Born to be Good, about our ‘compassionate instinct.’ The human nervous system makes almost no differentiation between our pain and the pain of others. It reacts similarly to both. Our inherent compassion instincts can be traced to our earliest evolution.
Sadness and longing are primary pathways to connection. Thus, we actively separate ourselves from relationships with others when we forbid the realm of melancholy emotions individually and collectively.
The antidote lies in opening ourselves up and accepting our whole selves, which helps us accept others. Rather than cutting these painful and vital emotions off, we can feel them, transform, and release them. We can allow others the space and freedom to do the same.
Sorrow and longing are how we remember our shared humanity, conveying the understanding we all desire safety, love, and belonging. Each of us endures heartbreak and loss – these create the bridges between relationship and connection. Processing them makes room for joy.
Our families, communities, organizations, and democracy rely on our capacity to care for one another and work together to achieve what we cannot attain on our own.
A Valuable Resource
Valerie Kaur’s impassioned, well-reasoned, and impactful TEDTalk entitled ‘3 Lessons of Revolutionary Love in a Time of Rage,’ made in the wake of the 9/11 attacks, remains disturbingly relevant today.
She offers a roadmap for engaging your ‘whole self’ in life as it is by combining feelings of fear, sorrow, anger, and vulnerability with courage, curiosity, forgiveness, and compassion to promote connection and joy.
I strongly encourage you to view it in its entirety. Please take what you like and leave the rest. https://www.ted.com/talks/valarie_kaur_3_lessons_of_revolutionary_love_in_a_time_of_rage?utm_source=rn-app-share&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=tedspread
Worthy Considerations
- What are the consequences of resisting your feelings of sorrow and loss? Does stuffing them make you feel more or less connected to yourself and others?
- How do you contribute to healing yourself, your family, your community, and your organization? In what ways can you acknowledge inflicting hurt?
- What do you need to relinquish to express your instinctive compassion for others? How might doing so benefit you and others?
- What does turning towards others make possible that remains impossible when turning away? How can you practice turning towards and making it safe for others to do the same?
Please reach out to me if you want help increasing awareness of yourself in relation to others and your environment to benefit you, your family, your team, and your organization. I welcome the conversation.
Robert Hackman, Principal, 4C Consulting and Coaching, helps people live and lead with fewer regrets. He grows and develops leaders through executive coaching consulting, facilitation, and training of individuals, teams, and organizations. He is committed to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. He facilitates trusting environments that promote uncommonly candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of developing Legacy Mindsets and has conducted over 50 Legacy interviews with people to date.
A serious man with a dry sense of humor who loves absurdity can often be found hiking rocky elevations or making music playlists. His mixes, including Pandemic Playlists and Music About Men, among others, can be found on Spotify.