Embracing My Sensitivity

by Robert Hackman

Photograph by Fernando @cferdophotography on Unsplash

And it’s going to be a day
There is really no way to say no
To the morning

Lyrics from the song ‘To the Morning’
By Dan Fogelberg

What is your response to the photograph above? Does it evoke compassion and tenderness or contempt and unease? 

I find my reaction to the picture revealing. The integrated part of me finds it beautifully vulnerable, and the distorted part considers it soft and unmanly—an example of me putting a gendered lens on something that does not warrant it.

Unfortunately, that is something I have done a lot.  

I have categorized music as either masculine or feminine. I put this article’s song lyric under my high school yearbook picture. 

It is from a gentle song delicately sung by Dan Fogelberg. I loved it then and still do today. Although it seems silly now, I regretted my choice for years. 

I deemed it too feminine. My decision to use it felt too vulnerable.

You can listen to it here to decide for yourself:

How do you relate to your sensitivity? What about your other parts that do not match who you think you should be? What would welcoming and appreciating these qualities do for you and others?

During earlier parts of my life, I had difficulties accepting my body. One of my more irrational and pernicious beliefs regarded my skin. It is sensitive and blisters easily from vigorous physical activities like raking or hiking. My face easily yields to nicks and irritation from shaving, too. Thus, my skin betrays me. 

I viewed these characteristics as physical embodiments of my emotional sensitivity and lack of manliness. 

I still struggle at times to fully accept and embrace the tender parts of myself that the song touches and my skin represents. These parts do not go away. They come out sideways, twist my thinking, and enflame my fears. Denying them does serve me. It harms me. 

My resistance prompts me to deny my sensitivity, making me less compassionate and preventing me from engaging more openly and authentically with others.

Rejecting vital aspects of myself undermines my confidence, contaminates my leadership, and weakens my impact.  

I am not alone in this regard. The same is true for you. 

Any time you reject an aspect of yourself, you diminish yourself. You drive that part of yourself into shadow, where it becomes an undeveloped and unlived part of you.

I witness and experience this struggle in me, with my clients, with men in peer-to-peer support groups, with men at large, and through the media. 

I find it maddening that Tom Brady kissing his son and talking emotionally about his relationships with his kids and being a father caused a stir. 

Last I checked, it was 2023.  

Some men became uncomfortable and threatened because it did not match their restricted version of manliness. It illustrates how shutdown and confined many men remain. It frustrates me, and my heart breaks for them and those with whom they interact simultaneously. 

It is as if a man cannot manifest some traditional forms of maleness and also draw on his nurturing aspects, showing love and affection. The fear is that such behavior will lead to boys who will become soft.

If that were the case, I would not be sensitive. 

My father was one of the most classically male men I have known. He eschewed anything remotely feminine, yet his machismo did not erase my tenderness.

Unfortunately, I regarded my sensitivity as a flaw and a liability that needed to be eliminated or well-hidden rather than an attribute that could be built into a strength. 

The world needs male leaders willing to draw on all parts of themselves, acknowledge and value their sensitivities, and not go to extremes to eradicate them. 

Brady’s affectionate interactions with his son deserve the same recognition and admiration as his athleticism and competitiveness.

Until I began consciously accepting and embracing my sensitivity, I used it to bludgeon myself for not being man enough. Occasionally I still do.

Yet how can I effectively lead women, and other sensitive men, including those who lean towards the feminine or non-binary people, if I reject the so-called feminine within myself? I cut myself off from them by failing to recognize these aspects, making them unavailable.

Accepting and embracing my complete self enables full-fledged leadership with ample room for both assertiveness and compassion.

I have not always realized the rules that govern my behavior—the filters I used to determine what was acceptable and what was not. By examining them with curiosity, I can better choose the ones I want to abide by and those I wish to relinquish.

To live and lead my life with fewer regrets, I recognize I need to let go of these sensors and suppressors, take more risks, be more honest, and self-revealing on behalf of myself and others. 

The standards for many men mandate do-it-yourself principles, not asking for help, winning at all costs, unwavering certainty, and never showing weakness. While these traits may be helpful in certain specific circumstances, predominantly, they create separation and block genuine relationships.  

Men pay a high price for adopting this ethos physically, emotionally, and relationally. They inspire less trust and commitment, and their leadership, relationships, and health suffer – a lousy combination.

Even when men do not subscribe to the traditional male code, they are afraid to challenge or extricate themselves from it. Thus, they perpetuate it.

I want men to tap into fuller versions of who they are, express themselves more confidently, and expand their influence rather than restrict it. 

Vulnerability, empathy, and compassion are vital leadership competencies. Developing these traits move men from the need for power over others to power with them. 

I provide executive coaching to both men and women, and I am most firmly drawn to helping men become full-fledged leaders because I am acutely familiar with the binds in which they find themselves. I want to free them up and enable them to help others do the same. The world needs it – now.   

Worthy Considerations:

1. Do you apply gender rules to areas that do not warrant it? 
2. What aspects of yourself do you feel compelled to reject or hide? How do they influence your confidence and capacity to interact openly with others?
3. What happens to the emotions you stifle? How and where do they show up?
4. Do you recognize how much your relationship with yourself impacts your ability to relate to and influence others?  
5. What prevents you from altering your exercise of power over others to power with others? How might making this shift enhance your leadership and inspire others to follow you?

Please connect with me to learn ways to fully accept and embrace your entire self to raise the quality of your leadership to benefit you, your family, your team, your organization, and your community. I welcome the conversation. 

Robert Hackman, Principal, 4C Consulting and Coaching, helps people live and lead with fewer regrets. He grows and develops leaders through executive coaching consulting, facilitation, and training of individuals, teams, and organizations. He is committed to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. He facilitates trusting environments that promote uncommonly candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of developing Legacy Mindsets and has conducted over 50 Legacy interviews with people to date.