Friendship and Loneliness at Work and in Life
by Robert Hackman
Seems I’m not alone in being alone
A hundred billion castaways
Looking for a home
From the song ‘Sending Out an SOS’
By The Police
A new man arrived in a state of desperation and disbelief at one of the two Men Mentoring Men (MB3) meetings I co-facilitate. M3 is a secular men’s support group moving into its 31st year (https://www.menmentoringmen.org).
Showing up constituted a courageous act. In my experience, the very last thing any man wants to be seen as is weak in whatever ways they define it. My beliefs have been confirmed through research by Brené Brown.
Rich (not his real name) was fending off loneliness and despair. Seeking friendship with men he could talk to was like grasping for a life raft.
He was unsure what he was getting himself into. Would he be accepted and embraced or judged and rejected?
Rich had recently discovered his wife of 20 years was having an affair with his best friend. Scrolling through his phone for friends with whom he could confide, he realized his friendship cupboard lay bare. Having no one he could call and with three children at home and, his marriage threatened, he felt vulnerable, isolated, and uncertain about where to turn next.
Like many men, he had focused intently on playing the provider role for his family to the exclusion of almost everything else. He mistook acquaintances as friends.
He did not believe he had permission to take time outside of work and family for the luxury of friends. At the point I met him, he no longer knew how.
Close friendships and community represent potent antidotes to loneliness. Friends create relationships that connect us to possibilities outside ourselves, and supportive communities remind us we are not isolated but part of a shared whole.
Who does loneliness touch? What impacts does it have? What roles do loneliness and friendship play in our lives and in the workplace? How can loneliness be lessened?
Loneliness in men
Men in our western society are uniquely susceptible to loneliness. The cultural imperatives to go it alone, exhibit no weakness, and hide one’s feelings are pervasive. Their pull is strong, even for men who don’t buy into them.
Can any man truly construct a genuinely fulfilling life living by these tenants? Vulnerabilities and emotions are part of our physiology and are crucial to decision-making and leadership. They cannot be eliminated merely because they threaten our cultural notion of what counts as masculine.
You do not have to be alone to be lonely. Nor do you need to be in crisis. We have all felt separateness regardless of how many people surround us or the stability of our situation.
Collective loneliness in the broader population
The loneliness experienced by significant portions of the population is not limited to men. It cuts across differences in gender identity, age, race, ethnicity, and socio-economic status. The problem is not loneliness per se, which is a part of the human condition. The hazard emanates from chronic loneliness.
The former Surgeon General of the United States, Dr. Vivek Murthy, identified it as a serious national health concern before the onset of COVID. In 2018 the British government established a minister of loneliness, and it has garnered considerable attention in other European countries, including Germany and Switzerland.
Chronic loneliness contributes to outward manifestations of violence, addictions, and disorders, as well as adverse effects on our physical and mental health, including increased inflammation associated with heart disease, hypertension, and anxiety and depression.
The sharp pain associated with loneliness seems to draw people to identify with cult-like personalities and movements to make it disappear.
A story of loneliness and friendship
A longtime friend sent me an exceedingly tender story of loneliness and the irrefutable power of friendship, exemplifying the empathy and compassion M3 members express to one another.
It caused me to consider the epidemic of loneliness sweeping over our country and much of Europe, along with evoking the poignant incident in my men’s group.
I am so grateful to share the friendship and support of a community of men in my life.
Reading this brief fictional story tugs at my heart every time, and it feels especially prescient right now. Surprisingly, it derives from Winnie the Pooh by A. A. Milne:
It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn’t heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore’s stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore.
‘Hello Eeyore,’ said Pooh.
‘Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet,’ said Eeyore, in a Glum Sounding Voice.
‘We just thought we’d check in on you,’ said Piglet, ‘because we hadn’t heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay.’
Eeyore was silent for a moment. ‘Am I okay?’ he asked, eventually. ‘Well, I don’t know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That’s what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. Which is why I haven’t bothered you. Because you wouldn’t want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now.’
Pooh looked at Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.
Eeyore looked at them in surprise. ‘What are you doing?’
‘We’re sitting here with you,’ said Pooh, ‘because we are your friends. And true friends don’t care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are.’
‘Oh,’ said Eeyore. ‘Oh.’ And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.
Because Pooh and Piglet were There.
No more; no less.
There you have it, an uncomplicated expression of friendship available for us all to apply in our lives.
Friendship and community are essential for happiness and well-being yet are not the only remedies for loneliness. The tale illustrates how we sometimes contribute to our own sense of isolation and separateness by making up stories about our lack of worthiness or attractiveness as friends to others.
The Pooh story also conveys the imperative to shift from concentrating on yourself to outwardly focusing on others. Not at the expense of yourself but as an extension of yourself. Therapist, author, and former talk show host Dr. Dan Gottlieb, frequently sites performing acts of kindness for others to help remedy loneliness and the associated feelings of depression and anxiety.
What implications does this have for the workplace?
It turns out quite a lot. Loneliness is an everyday experience for numerous CEOs, business owners, and other top executives. Their position constrains their identity. Expressing their vulnerability represents a threat to the image they project to themselves and others.
Consequently, they have few people in which they can confide. Sometimes their employees endure negative consequences of their isolation. Relationships with trusted confidants and coaches provide invaluable relief.
According to research by the Gallup Organization, the number one determinant of a person deciding to leave a job is whether or not they have a ‘best friend’ at work.
Our need and longing for friendship do not cease at the door to the workplace.
For many, work accounts for a substantial amount of their interpersonal interactions. The quality of their relationships contributes to or takes away from their productivity, reliability, innovation, and health.
Friendships play a significant role in how associates navigate the workplace and improve how work gets done.
A starter list for cultivating friendships and alleviating loneliness
- Acknowledge the significance of friendships in your life and prioritize the requisite time to create and maintain them.
- Structure time in your schedule for meaningful interactions with family and friends to ensure it happens regularly.
- Seek out and make time in peer-to-peer groups that accept you and make it a sacred space.
- Recognize the importance of opening yourself to being with others and showing up for their benefit and yours.
- Get out of your own way, practice connecting with others you trust when you feel lonely, sad, or depressed, and commit to checking in on friends and colleagues.
- As a leader, spend time getting to know those with whom you work and take on the responsibility to foster friendships in your organization to express care, keep people engaged, and aligned with one another.
Please reach out to me if you want help leveraging the benefits of friendship to alleviate loneliness and alienation for your well-being and the health of your teams and your organization. I welcome the connection.
Robert Hackman is the founder and principal of 4C Consulting and Coaching. He provides executive coaching for leadership impact, growth, and development for individuals, teams, and organizations. Committed to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion, he facilitates trusting environments that promote unusually candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of developing Legacy Mindsets and has conducted over 50 Legacy interviews with people to date.
A serious man with a dry sense of humor who loves absurdity can often be found hiking rocky elevations or making music playlists. His mixes, including Pandemic Playlists and Music About Men, among others, can be found on Spotify.
Bravely bring your curiosity to a conversation with Rob, schedule via voice or text @ 484.800.2203, or rhackman@4cconsulting.net.