Grieving the State of Boys and Men in America
by Robert Hackman
Photograph by Tom Pumford on Unsplash
Everyman’s a captain; men know how to drown
Man the lifeboats if there’s room; otherwise, go down
From the song ‘Men’
By Loudon Wainwright III
I have been reflecting on the young men who inflict great harm to children, adults and frequently themselves through homicide and suicide with a heavy heart.
In addition to anger and rage, I feel significant sadness, empathy, and compassion for them. I understand the plight of boys and men and still wonder why they do it.
I do not buy that these incidents are committed only by the mentally ill with access to weapons of destruction. They evidence a much more pervasive crisis of boyhood and manhood in America today, to which I am sensitive.
It is vital for boys and men to do better and for us to do much better for men and boys.
Boys and men are hurting yet loathe to show it. Hurt people hurt people.
I am contemplating the following questions:
- Are we willing to recognize and acknowledge the collective state of distress men and boys are in today?
- Can we hold the paradox that while men, particularly white men, have the majority of power in our country, men and boys are deteriorating at escalating rates?
- How can we responsibly support men and boys in ways they desperately need, preventing them from acting out of desperation?
Some Distressing Facts About Boys and Men Today
Boys are less likely to attend or finish college, graduate on time, or pursue higher degrees than girls.
Men accounted for 79% of the 45,979 (36,324) suicides in the United States in 2020. Rates are increasing. White men comprise 70% of male suicides, despite accounting for 30% of the population.
Black men kill one another at approximately the same rates as white men kill themselves.
Men and boys have committed 98% of mass shootings.
One in five women and girls have been victims of rape or attempted rape, and 81% have been subjected to sexual harassment, according to a 2018 report.
Men also experience sexual violence. I do not mean to minimize its importance and impact. Still, men perpetrate the vast majority of sexual violence.
These realities clearly show boys and men in crisis in our society, causing some measure of them to inflict significant harm.
I find these truths horrifying and challenging to wrap my head and heart around. I am guessing you feel the same way.
Evidence of Male Power and Declining Boys and Men
Only 8% of companies in the Fortune 500 companies had female CEOs in 2021.
Despite recent gains, women make up fewer than 21% of corporate Board positions.
Women are underrepresented in the highest roles of government too. In its history, just 5% of the members of the Supreme Court justices have been women. They comprise roughly a quarter of U.S. Senators and members of the House of Representatives.
We have never elected a woman President and have only had one female vice president currently serving.
Men overwhelmingly hold the top roles in our society.
Yet, as shown above, boys and men are in crisis.
According to Andrew Reiner in his book Better Boys Better Men, despite what adults claim they want from boys, adolescent boys feel pressured to be physically strong, play sports, be willing to punch someone in the face and dominate other men (and women).
Reiner relates a conversation in which Phyllis Fagel, a counselor, and boys group advisor, asked a group of boys whether traits such as trust, sadness, tenderness, patience, fear, insecurity, confusion, overwhelm, and joy belong in the ‘man box.’ Their answer was an emphatic no.
‘You just eliminated 80% of human emotions from the male experience. Does that surprise you?’ They responded ‘no.’
However, the boys’ high levels of awareness from participation in the group did not mean they knew how to break free of the masculine mandates of stoicism, independence, being strong, and never showing weakness or needing help.
They are caught between their awareness and their perceived inability to act on it. No wonder men and boys feel isolated and alone.
To interact differently, they need permission and support. Boys need to know they are not alone and will not be shamed or bullied for revealing themselves.
However, they cannot broadly rely on those responsible for their guidance to help. Reiner found that parents, educators, and coaches fear that when boys learn emotional authenticity, they become soft and weak – something they apparently must avoid at all costs. Boys get the message.
Contrary to these concerns, Susan David, a psychologist at the Harvard Medical School and author of Emotional Agility, has found the most resilient people are the most emotionally honest and integrated. People who suppress their emotions have poorer mental health and higher levels of anxiety and depression.
Joe Ehrmann asserts violence results from unexpressed grief. Boys who cannot cry shoot bullets.
Supporting Boys and Men
Nico, a middle school boy who received guidance helping him articulate his feelings, stated, ‘I am still the same, but I feel emotionally stronger, more stable, and more confident.’
Therefore, we must stop denying boys and men from expressing their feelings. Relinquish the fear that men who do will become women and encourage it instead.
We can drop the false dichotomies and embrace the reality that courage and competitiveness reside in women just as nurturing and sensitivity reside in men.
We need to consider whether the unacceptable emotions in men trigger what we find intolerable in ourselves. Supporting boys begins inside us. It involves looking in the mirror and challenging our constricting beliefs about what it is to be a man.
A meaningful way we can support boys and men is to make it safe for them to feel and express vulnerability – thereby expanding the realm of the masculine.
Shaming or demeaning men does not work. It drives them further underground. Most men feel a great deal of shame for not measuring up to society’s impossible expectations of them, to begin with.
Thus, it is imperative to call men out for their behaviors, hold them accountable, and invite them into conversations to understand their motivations and unwind their distorted beliefs.
Unfortunately, I have subscribed to these unhealthy masculine imperatives at different times. Despite over twenty years of men’s work as a participant, facilitator, and coach, I continue to work on letting go of these distorted definitions of masculinity and helping other men do the same.
Worthy Considerations
- What would happen if we encouraged boys and men to live their full emotional range? What beliefs and mindsets do we need to change to allow this to occur?
- How do you hold onto false dichotomies that men are strong or weak, nurturing or demanding, or sensitive or brave? How can you recognize the feminine in men and the masculine in women?
- What changes do we need to make regarding our expectations of boys and men? How can we give boys and men permission and make it safe for them to be their authentic selves?
- How can we support a fuller range of boys and girls, men and women, in relationship to one another? What might big-hearted men and women in collaboration make possible?
Please reach out to me if you want help growing your leadership range and confidence to benefit you, your family, your team, and your organization. I welcome the conversation.
Robert Hackman, Principal, 4C Consulting and Coaching, helps people live and lead with fewer regrets. He grows and develops leaders through executive coaching consulting, facilitation, and training of individuals, teams, and organizations. He is committed to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. He facilitates trusting environments that promote uncommonly candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of developing Legacy Mindsets and has conducted over 50 Legacy interviews with people to date.
A serious man with a dry sense of humor who loves absurdity can often be found hiking rocky elevations or making music playlists. His mixes, including Pandemic Playlists and Music About Men, among others, can be found on Spotify.
Bravely bring your curiosity to a conversation with Rob, schedule via voice or text @ 484.800.2203 or rhackman@4cconsulting.net.