How Many Friends?

by Robert Hackman

Photograph by Matheus Ferrero on Unsplash

How many friends have I really got?
That love me, that want me, that’ll take me as I am.

Lyrics from the song ‘How Many Friends’
By the Who

Friendships are fundamental to life satisfaction and living and leading with fewer regrets. 

A top regret people identify in their lives is not concentrating on creating and furthering their relationships. Friendships represent the primary relationships outside of the family. 

Yet we are living through what is often termed a loneliness pandemic. Data shows people are feeling record rates of isolation and alienation from one another with no end to the downward trend in sight.

At the same time, leaders at all levels tell me they are experiencing overwhelm.

These distressing developments are inextricably linked. 

The traumas of the pandemic, societal disturbances, climate disasters, and technological changes have caused significant disruptions to our social relationships. However, the trend of heightened isolation and loneliness began before these developments. 

Friendships represent an antidote to feeling overpowered. Affirming relationships provide the support needed to withstand the challenges of a tumultuous world. While vital, close family connections are not enough. 

What can we do as individuals and leaders to decrease loneliness and improve relationships? How can we learn to prioritize friendship? What do we need to create adult friendships?

Work Relationships 

There is a reason Gallup’s Q-12 questionnaire designed to measure the degree of employee engagement associates have with their company includes the question, ‘Do you have a best friend at work.’ It is one of the strongest determinants of commitment to an organization.

Yet friendships, like feelings, do not seem to be appropriate points of consideration or focus for organizational leaders. 

Both work and personal friendships are vital. As leaders, we dismiss their significance at our peril. 

The quality of our relationships impacts our physical and emotional health, productivity, creativity, and collaboration. The absence of high-quality relationships compromises our immune systems and lowers our life expectancy. 

Christine Miles, founder and CEO of Equipt and creator of ‘The Listening Path,’ identifies the question, ‘How did that make you feel?’ as the fastest way to understand another’s story, create rapport, and develop a connection. 

The same question provokes the highest degree of resistance from her clients. ‘I cannot ask that question in a business setting.’ The question is, why not.

You cannot develop friendships or gain another’s confidence without emotions. Positive relationships are based on trust, respect, and affinity. 

Leaders cannot generate friendships on behalf of their associates. However, they can take steps to eliminate obstacles to relationship development within their organizations. They can also create conditions that foster the likelihood of friendships. Both are critical for high-performing teams and companies.

What can leaders do?

1. Open themselves and speak more honestly about the range and depth of their human experience, making it safe for others to do the same.
2. Introduce mindfulness practices into the workplace that ground people in the present, increase awareness of themselves and others, relieve pressure, and expand possibilities.
3. Deliberately build in time for associates to interact with one another, absent an agenda or the imperative for efficiency. Doing so speeds up the completion of work over time.
4. Create spaces and environments that naturally encourage people to congregate and engage one another informally at regular intervals – a necessary element for relationship development.
5. Take the time and effort to align your colleagues around a common aspirational purpose, core values, and approach. 

Supportive work relationships are critical. They are also inherently conditional and are, therefore, limited.

Personal relationships

Unfortunately, we often fail to prioritize friendships in our personal lives too.

Close relationships that do not require us to change who we are or how we show up are central to satisfaction and well-being. Even so, they are not often points of focus – especially by men, who frequently concentrate on work and family relationships, placing excessive emphasis on themselves as providers.

The progression of connections is uncertain, and we are reluctant to initiate them when we already feel too vulnerable. Our social skills atrophy through lack of use, and we become out of practice.

So many things seem beyond our control we seek relief in short-term fixes that allow us autonomy over timing, duration, and outcomes. Consequently, we retreat to interacting with devices, accomplishing tasks, succumbing to addictions, or pursuing pleasure at all costs furthering our sense of separateness.  

We must commit to showing up fully for ourselves and others in our own lives, which entails availing ourselves of the essentials for friendships. By sharing ourselves vulnerably with others, risking discomfort and hurt, and giving up our attachment to expediency, we open ourselves to being known, accepted, and belonging.

We also need to seek out communities with which we can interact at regular intervals, whether in-person or virtual, in peer-to-peer support groups, gatherings around shared interests, such as sports, yoga, the arts, or through organizations committed to a particular purpose. We need to do this over periods of time to allow friendships to emerge and strengthen.

 I am grateful for the amount and quality of my friendships. I consider myself rare and extraordinarily fortunate while recognizing I would not have gotten there alone. 

I mainly attribute the breadth and depth of friendships to my decision to actively participate in secular men’s support groups for over twenty years. They have helped me develop my relationship-building skills.

I cannot imagine my life without them. I joined them intending to improve myself and immerse myself in male energy, not to make friends. Regardless, I gained some of my best friendships through my participation.

The key was committing myself to engage regularly over time. The more I participated, the more I realized how essential they were to my well-being. 

The resulting friendships have enriched my life and positively impacted my interactions with others. They help keep me on the path of living and leading with fewer regrets. That is what I want for everyone. 

Worthy Considerations:

1. What priority do you give your friendships? How does that influence where you focus your time, energy, and effort?
2. What is the breadth and depth of your friendships? Do you believe close relationships can be an antidote to overwhelm?
3. From what associations do you draw to develop and maintain your friendships?
4. In what ways do you undermine or foster the development of friendships among your team members or within your organization?
5. What is the quality of relationships within your company? How do they influence the degree of trust, collaboration, and innovation? 

Please connect with me to explore ways to facilitate the development of vital friendships at work and in your personal life to benefit you, your family, your team, your organization, and your community. I welcome the conversation. 

Robert Hackman, Principal, 4C Consulting and Coaching, helps people live and lead with fewer regrets. He grows and develops leaders through executive coaching consulting, facilitation, and training of individuals, teams, and organizations. He is committed to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. He facilitates trusting environments that promote uncommonly candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of developing Legacy Mindsets and has conducted over 50 Legacy interviews with people to date.

A serious man with a dry sense of humor who loves absurdity can often be found hiking rocky elevations or making music playlists. His mixes, including Pandemic Playlists and Music About Men, can be found on Spotify.