I’ve Got Regrets

by Robert Hackman

Photograph by Ahtziri Lagarde on Unsplash

I’ve got regrets through the secrets I’ve kept
I’ve got regrets through the decisions I’ve made
I’ve got regrets 

Lyrics from the song ‘I’ve Got Regrets’
By Freakuensea

My company and I aim to ‘help people live and lead with fewer regrets.’ I cannot imagine a more worthy goal for anyone than having less remorse, disappointment, and shame about how they live their lives.

People do not relish acknowledging, let alone feeling, and exploring these emotions. Yet we deny them to our detriment. Ignoring our shadows by pretending they do not exist or numbing ourselves to them are ways of resisting. And what we resist persists. 

I do not want you to have any more regrets than necessary. The human condition informs us that we cannot move through our lives without them. However, we can take steps to learn the lessons they provide, lessen the energy we give them, and direct our energies in more impactful and helpful ways.

I, too, have regrets. Some of them are significant. They remain with me, especially those for which I have not yet been able to make amends. 

I must remember them, pay attention to them, and do my best to absorb their lessons. However, I do not help myself or others by remaining weighed down by them.

I need to remind myself continually the only way I can exert influence over regrets and their impact is to reflect on them and respond by taking action in the present. The here and now is the only time I can contend with my past and prepare for the future.

My commitment to helping people live and lead with fewer regrets came from soul-searching early in the pandemic. I sought to discover how I could make the most significant impact on people, individually and in systems, as part of families, teams, organizations, and communities, in ways they would find most rewarding.

The origins of my purpose came from traumas I experienced in early adolescence, particularly the time surrounding my father’s suicide when I was thirteen. For reasons I cannot comprehend, my father could not successfully contend with his regrets or soften their corresponding pain. 

I believe people’s purpose originates from a desire to resolve their traumas. I realized at a young age; shame can be deadly. Its ability to inflict hurt on others is unmatched. Consequently, I want to help reduce it as much as possible. 

I find it amazing how victims of all kinds turn the responsibility of perpetrators on themselves. I have done that in spades, condemning myself for failing to save my father, family, and dignity.

Unfortunately, how I responded to my father’s diminishing mental health and death continues to influence my interactions in the present and my relationship with my past. 

While I cannot change my past, what I did or failed to do. I am always free to alter how I regard my history and its implications. You can do this too.

Being born into a family one generation removed from fundamentalist Presbyterianism preordained me to feeling regret. My mother grew up in a family with no drinking, smoking, dancing, or card playing.

I attended church, summer bible camps, and retreats and partook in a fundamentalist Christian rough-it-boys camp in the Adirondacks, rooted in clear-cut right and wrong doctrines. The experiences contributed to my character while instilling significant doses of judgment, guilt, and shame in me. These messages exacerbated my wounds.

Moving beyond our traumas requires us to befriend and care for those within us who have been hurt. 

A way of framing the voices in my head developed by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D., the founder of Internal Family Systems, helps me make sense of them. 

He maintains we have a lead ‘Self’ in addition to three other parts; exiles, managers, and firefighters. Exiles consist of our younger parts that hold onto our traumas – ouch. They prompt us to isolate and hide to keep us from feeling pain or fear. Managers do their best to control by doing whatever is necessary to avoid rejection and hurt. Firefighters try to extinguish ‘fires’ when our exiles become activated, frequently using addiction or other unhealthy means to counteract our exiles’ defiant behavior.

Schwartz contends each part has a distinct way of thinking and speaking, as well as its own tone of voice and body posture. I hear and feel these operating within me.

The question is not whether you have these. You do, and so do I. The question is how we respond to these parts. Do we reject them or accept them? Remember, what we resist persists. If we want to release their power over us, we must acknowledge their presence within us.

Sarah Marshank, a spiritual leader and author, offers the following metaphor: It’s like all of our parts, or selves, are on a bus together. We do not have to make any part of us wrong, and, critically, we get to choose the part of us that drives the bus.’

Learning to live and lead with fewer regrets involves repeatedly accepting your entire self. Recognize when your feelings, thinking, and behaviors are being driven by less mature and unhelpful aspects of yourself and reinsert your ‘lead self’ back into the driver’s seat. 

Acknowledging and resisting the urge to reject portions of ourselves, returning to a greater sense of agency, and getting back on purpose remain life-long endeavors – the only ones worthwhile. 

The only one you can control is yourself. All leadership begins with self-leadership. 

My commitment to helping others live and lead with fewer regrets arises directly from my formative life experiences and efforts to live and lead my life the same way. I continue to refine and improve my leadership by helping others grow theirs. 

Worthy Considerations:

1. How have your experiences and traumas informed your purpose? 
2. In what ways can you draw on your ordeals to help others?
3. Do you recognize the exiles, managers, and firefighters within you? If so, do you find you accept or reject them? How does your response impact your agency?
4. How differently do you interact with and respond to others when your ‘lead self’ drives the bus? 
5. How can you acknowledge your sufferings and transform them into your pathway to fewer regrets? 

Please connect with me to vulnerably learn to accept yourself, embrace your purpose, and raise your authentic leadership to benefit you, your family, your team, your organization, and your community. I welcome the conversation. 

Robert Hackman, Principal, 4C Consulting and Coaching, helps people live and lead with fewer regrets. He grows and develops leaders through executive coaching consulting, facilitation, and training of individuals, teams, and organizations. He is committed to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. He facilitates trusting environments that promote uncommonly candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of developing Legacy Mindsets and has conducted over 50 Legacy interviews with people to date.

A serious man with a dry sense of humor who loves absurdity can often be found hiking rocky elevations or making music playlists. His mixes, including Pandemic Playlists and Music About Men, can be found on Spotify.