Learning to Be an Ally

by Robert Hackman

Photograph by Bruce Mars on Unsplash

What’s a man now? What’s a man mean?
Is he rough, or is he rugged?
Is he cultural and clean?
Now it’s all changed. It’s got to change more.

Lyrics from the song ‘Real Men’
By Joe Jackson

I asked him how I could try to be an ally – to the gay community. His answer surprised me. It was more fundamental and straightforward than I expected.

Speaking for himself, Howard replied, ‘Tell them (straight people) it is not a choice. It is how I was born.’ That was it, nothing more, nothing less.

Howard is the same man who wryly told me, ‘It’s not your fault. You were born that way.’ He meant by me being cisgender and straight.

I thoroughly appreciated his humor and his flipping of the script.

I also understood the bite of the irony. I find humor one of the best ways to invite awareness and elicit change.

At a deeper level, his request made me stop. I took his statement as fact. He made me realize that many people do not believe that. They think it is a choice.

The belief of choosing to be gay, nonbinary, or transgender is a crucial one because it supposes that people can merely make different, presumably better choices, and all would be well. 

It also supposes people can be led to being gay through persuasion or that it is somehow contagious. 

The conviction leads fearful or opportunistic people to some of the most damaging, cruel, and demeaning views of members of the LGBTQ+ community. That they are deviant and predatory. Therefore, they pose a threat and must be stopped.

I have found community members to be welcoming, engaging, authentic people who frequently excel in their occupations or businesses, sometimes despite a deck stacked against them to varying degrees.

Is it any wonder many gay people remain afraid to come out for fear of rejection, losing status and relationships, and exposing themselves to potential physical, psychological, social harm, and legal threats? Or that they remain at significantly higher risks of committing suicide.

I contend inclusion is a contact endeavor that requires people to be in active ongoing relationships with people different than themselves. Developing inclusive mindsets involves accepting yourself and others.

Apparently, I am the only active cisgender straight member of the Independence Business Alliance (IBA), the LGBTQ+ Chamber of Commerce serving the greater Philadelphia area, which is unfortunate.

I cannot comprehend what it is like to be gay. Although through affiliation, I can better imagine and appreciate feeling confused, anxious, fearful, and potentially self-hatred – especially if I grew up in a nonaccepting household, school, or community.

I also do my best to understand people who highly value structured ways of living to which changes in cultural norms and realities represent threats.

We can only begin comprehending the depth of our similarities and differences through real conversation and association. These are the pathways to challenging one’s biases and taming one’s fears.

Acceptance is mostly an inside job that requires connectedness and reflection.

In my experience, we are mostly the same. We share the same desires for love, security, and acceptance. 

Yet it is also vital to acknowledge and understand that our lived experiences and perspectives differ dramatically in essential ways. 

I have come to believe we are all along an orientation continuum, whether we acknowledge it or not. 

These continuums can feel highly threatening to some, especially men, who live in a culture that compels them never to show weakness and to suppress and deny their emotions, which are considered the realm of the feminine. The imperative of traditional masculinity includes not being like women and not being gay. 

Being in relationships helps me recognize and appreciate that members of the gay community, people of color, and women are subjected to challenges, decisions, and life situations to which I will never be subjected while remembering our fundamental desires are the same. 

Howard has taken risks and put himself out there in ways I will never fully comprehend. I admire his courage and insistence on being who he is. I can learn to apply these attributes to myself more fully. 

I believe all of us can for the benefit of ourselves and others.

Please note I recognize this is not a comprehensive article. I wrote it in response to one of many conversations I have had with people across the spectrum.

Worthy Inquiries: 

1. What beliefs do you hold about gay and other minority communities? What feelings do they trigger in you? Are you willing to examine your views through conversation and affiliation?
2. In what ways might your relationships, work, and life benefit from appreciating the perspectives of people with different lived experiences than yours? What prevents you from engaging in those relationships?
3. How do judging or denying uncomfortable parts of yourself become reflected in the verdicts you render about others?
4. How have your thoughts and feelings changed regarding a particular person or group once you know them?

Please contact me if you want help living and leading with fewer regrets on behalf of the greater good for yourself, your family, your team, and your organization. I welcome the conversation. 

Robert Hackman, Principal, 4C Consulting and Coaching, helps people live and lead with fewer regrets. He grows and develops leaders through executive coaching consulting, facilitation, and training individuals, teams, and organizations. He is committed to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. He facilitates trusting environments that promote uncommonly candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of developing Legacy Mindsets and has conducted over 50 Legacy interviews with people to date.

A serious man with a dry sense of humor who loves absurdity can often be found hiking rocky elevations or making music playlists. His mixes, including Pandemic Playlists and Music About Men, can be found on Spotify.

Bravely bring your curiosity to a conversation with Rob, schedule via voice or text @ 484.800.2203 or rhackman@4cconsulting.net.