Masculinity Masks
by Robert Hackman
Photograph by Craig McLachlan on Unsplash
The mask
Of masculinity
Is a mask
A mask that is wearing me
From the song ‘Idles’
By Samaritans
During one of the men’s meetings I co-facilitate, a man said he was grateful that his time in the group enabled him to say, ‘I love that man,’ to another man in the meeting. Before his involvement in the group, he never could have expressed those feelings.
His declaration was soft, a trait American culture informs us we should find unacceptable in men. I don’t see it this way.
Unusual in our largely homophobic society, it is common for men in Men Mentoring Men (M3) to voice their love for one another and others in their lives. Even when many of those same men never heard it from their fathers.
Men Mentoring Men is a secular men’s support group where men talk about what is really going on in their lives with other men. You can find more information at https://www.menmentoringmen.org/.
What he did was also extraordinarily brave. It takes vulnerability and courage for a man to utter heartfelt words, especially to and for another man.
Our inescapable cultural belief that men should not be permitted to express tenderness or compassion shortchanges men’s capacity to be fully human. It presents a false dichotomy: men cannot be both sensitive and strong.
The tongue and cheek ethos of ‘real men don’t eat quiche’ remains.
It reinforces the myth that if men express their full range of emotions, they risk falling into the abyss of cissification from which they and our society will never recover. Any offending man will be required to turn in his ‘man card’ for his violations.
These realities prompt men to put on masculinity masks to hide their feelings, fit in, and protect themselves – from other men, women, and themselves.
Men’s feelings do not go away. They get stuffed and come out in distorted and harmful ways. Wearing masks has damaging consequences.
There are reasons men commit 78% of suicides in the U.S., are responsible for the majority of violent crime, and suffer disproportionately from heart disease and stroke.
I love men. Yet, from my perspective, we are also responsible for much of the world’s ills. It does not have to be that way.
What would happen if men lowered their masks? What if they gave themselves and other men permission to expand their emotional range without fear of retribution? What would it be like if men acknowledged and embraced their whole selves, including their so-called feminine side?
According to Brené Brown, men receive three primary mandates in American culture. These masculine imperatives are:
- Never show weakness.
- Do not be like a woman, most commonly expressed as ‘Don’t be a p**sy.’
- Disdain for homosexuality – ‘don’t be gay.’
Unfortunately, we see the detrimental impact of these imperatives playing out in our culture today.
It Starts Early
As demonstrated by the action figures pictured above, we learn what it is to be a man in our culture at a very young age.
Even products as innocuous as a body wash marketed to boys claim to body slam your odor.
These powerful images are so pervasive and unrelenting that they can become invisible. Men become akin to fish, not recognizing the water all around them. Yet it impacts us in profound ways nonetheless.
The dominant message is not to do or be anything remotely feminine. As if masculinity and femininity were distributed in a pure form by gender. They are not.
Having feelings and, most of all, expressing emotions is forbidden for men. Feelings get relegated to the feminine realm as if men do not have them.
I contend men know that this is not true, yet it remains vital for them to pretend it is.
Consequently, they put on masculinity masks and armor to shield their true selves and compete fiercely to ensure their manliness will not be questioned.
The contrast between their internal and external selves can cause men to question whether they are man enough. They do not realize other men have similar feelings because they are all wearing masks.
They do their best to fit into a restrictive man-box and police others to make sure they also comply with this restrictive and impossible definition of masculinity.
Ed Adams and Ed Frauenheim write in their excellent book Reinventing Masculinity: The Liberating Power of Compassion and Connection, ‘confined men focus more on a man’s separateness rather than on his sense of belonging. Confined masculinity has a fearful outlook and a mindset of scarcity. It causes (men) to band together against people defined as other.’
You do not have to be male to support and uphold the patriarchy in which we live.
Regardless of your sexual orientation, whether you are cis or transgender, women play an essential role in shaping masculinity.
Women also represent a threat to men. They frequently fear being too much like them and fear being negatively judged by them.
To avoid any perceived weakness, many men believe they need to dominate women.
An Unmasking Experience
The following experience occurred twenty years ago, and still, it sticks with me.
On the Sunday morning of a men’s weekend retreat, its facilitator Ed Adams passed out half-masks that covered our faces from just above our eyes down to and across the upper portion of our nose.
He requested the twenty-three men assembled sit there and look at one another. It felt silly.
He then asked the men to reveal something about themselves to the other men they had never disclosed before. After which, we were to remove our masks.
It was a compelling and moving experience – with vulnerable sharing, more than a few tears shed, deep appreciation for what we had experienced, and bear hugs all around.
Ed had invited the men to fully immerse themselves in the visceral experience of lowering their masks in the presence of other men.
We actively witnessed one another, used our voices, listened, and engaged our bodies by physically removing our masks.
I want all men to practice the habit of lowering their masks to make it safe for other men to drop theirs – for the betterment of men, women, children, and the planet.
Men’s embrace of their full humanity, including their so-called feminine qualities, does not threaten their masculinity. It creates pathways to its most robust embodiment.
The alternative is for men to wear masks, which constrict and diminish us and everyone else.
As the song lyric states, if you are not careful, the mask ends up wearing you.
Worthy Inquiries
- How would relationships between men and women change if men genuinely listened to women without judgment and trying to fix? How might paying attention expand men’s perspectives and possibilities?
- What would happen if men fully committed themselves to creating and maintaining physical and psychological safety at home and work instead of contributing to a lack of safety? What kind of trust and collaboration would that enable?
- What would it be like if men could admit their fears – of women and, equally important, their fear of other men? How would their vulnerability bolster their courage and creativity? What kinds of conversations would be possible?
- What would it be like if men embraced their whole selves, including their so-called feminine parts, and made it safe for others to do the same? How much more accepting and compassionate would they be towards others? What degree of healing energy would get unleashed on behalf of everyone and the planet?
Please reach out to me if you want help expanding your masculine range to benefit you, your family, your team, and your organization. I welcome the conversation.
Robert Hackman, Principal, 4C Consulting and Coaching, helps people live and lead with fewer regrets. He grows and develops leaders through executive coaching consulting, facilitation, and training individuals, teams, and organizations. He is committed to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. He facilitates trusting environments that promote uncommonly candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of developing Legacy Mindsets and has conducted over 50 Legacy interviews with people to date.
A serious man with a dry sense of humor who loves absurdity can often be found hiking rocky elevations or making music playlists. His mixes, including Pandemic Playlists and Music About Men, among others, can be found on Spotify.