The Marvel of Hugs
by Robert Hackman
Photograph by Maria Mayobre on Unsplash
A hug’s a way to share the joy
and sad times we go through;
Or just a way for friends to show
they like you ’cause your you
From the poem ‘A Simple Hug’
By Author Unknown
Hugging frequently makes me feel like I imagine these two sea lions do.
I am a hugger. One of the significant losses for me during the pandemic was that I missed hugging people other than those with whom I lived – yes, I made some exceptions from time to time. I still try to be careful.
Until I began to write this article, I had no idea why they meant so much to me. It turns out hugs do a whole lot.
While I can usually articulate myself reasonably well with words, I find compassionate touch can express what words cannot, and embracing another is one of the warmest forms of contact.
At first blush, the subject of hugs may seem trite and unrelated to business or leadership.
Not a fitting mode of expression in many circumstances, I maintain hugging people, when appropriate, soothes us, boosts our mood, opens our hearts, improves our communication, and improves how we lead.
Dr. Susan Abers of the Cleveland Clinic asserts we thrive emotionally and physically from hugs. Getting all that juice from such a simple, readily available act is potent.
Physically embracing others, if done with heart, relaxes both huggers. It slows breathing, lowers blood pressure, and reduces the stress hormone cortisol, making it an excellent antidote for anxiety and overwhelm. Decreased cortisol also raises our immune systems.
Hugging lifts our mood by releasing the pleasure hormones oxytocin and serotonin, which bond us, promote a sense of safety, and increase resilience—all essential in helping us navigate the ups and downs of our days.
The affirming connection softens us, opening us to the feelings of others. Hugging is an act of love, whether done to express joy, convey affection, or console.
Rather than being shut down and closed off, we are more vulnerable and trusting, which induces vulnerability and trust in others, thereby clearing communication channels. We are more at ease.
All of these gains cause us to be more likely to draw from our best selves with positive intention, maintain an outward focus, and lead with integrity because tender interactions with one another have bolstered us.
It is critical to remember we must hug for between five and ten seconds to gain these advantages. Although, as far as I can tell, there is no penalty for overtime.
We exchange a lot of energy when we hug. The sum becomes more significant than its parts.
Usually, we think of hugs as being mutual. Releasing ourselves into them and opening up to receive is one of their rewards. However, depending on your motivation, they may not always be.
I recall when my oldest son, my middle child, was a teenager and going through a tough time, I made it a point to give him a big bear hug every night and tell him I loved him, even though he was unable or unwilling to hug me in return.
I wanted to express my love for him without expecting anything in from him. I am so glad I did.
Clear in my intention. The hugs still conferred much of the same effect – for both of us.
I implore you to consider committing to hugs to improve your mental, physical, and spiritual health for the growth and development of yourself and those you lead.
Asking and receiving permission from the person you are hugging is vital. Some people eschew hugs for various reasons. Respect them. They will embrace them if and when they are ready.
Pay attention to yourself and honor your feelings. If hugging is not for you, do not force it.
I suspect many men are under-hugged, mainly by other men. It may not match their vision of manliness.
Both of the following statements are true. Men who choose not to hug are not unmanly and real men hug.
If possible, I encourage you to let go of any feelings of homophobia and hug your men friends who are open to it. It represents an underutilized way of expressing respect, affection, and appreciation.
A side note:
I was surprised the word hug does not appear in any song, at least that I could find. There have been times I have had to stretch into tunes holding my nose (or covering my ears) to find corresponding lyrics.
Consequently, this is the first article I have penned during the past year (this makes 42) that does not begin with a song lyric. Proving there is a first time for everything.
The inspiration for this piece comes from a poem my friend Bill Magaliff offered the following poem to the men during our monthly Men Mentoring Men (M3) leadership facilitation call.
M3 is a non-profit secular men’s support group hosting meetings in-person and online.
I thought it was worth sharing. I hope you enjoy it and that it resonates with you.
Hugging, the perfect cure for what ails you
By Mary Francis
No movable parts, no batteries required, no periodic checkups
Low energy consumption, high energy yield, inflation proof
No monthly payments, no insurance requirements
Theft-proof, non-taxable, non-polluting
And, of course, fully returnable
Hugging is healthy. It relieves tension
combats depression, reduces stress,
improves blood circulation,
It has no unpleasant side effects
Worthy Inquiries:
- How do you feel when hugging someone with whom you are close? How about afterward? Do you notice any of the benefits expressed above?
- What fears, beliefs or experiences keep you from hugging? Are you willing to reconsider these
- What would enable you to let go of inhibiting thoughts and emotions that make you self-conscious about how others may regard you hugging another person?
- Are you willing to tell close family members and friends that you would like to engage in the habit of hugging them, request their permission, and gain their consent?
- What do you believe you can convey through hugs that may be more challenging to express through words or other means?
Please contact me if you want help expanding the range of your human connection to benefit you, your family and friends, your team, and your organization. I welcome the conversation.
Robert Hackman, Principal, 4C Consulting and Coaching, helps people live and lead with fewer regrets. He grows and develops leaders through executive coaching consulting, facilitation, and training individuals, teams, and organizations. He is committed to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. He facilitates trusting environments that promote uncommonly candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of developing Legacy Mindsets and has conducted over 50 Legacy interviews with people to date.
A serious man with a dry sense of humor who loves absurdity can often be found hiking rocky elevations or making music playlists. His mixes, including Pandemic Playlists and Music About Men, can be found on Spotify.