The Seduction of Invulnerability
by Robert Hackman
Photograph By Katrina Flour on Unsplash
A human vulnerability
Doesn’t mean that I am weak
From the song ‘Power & Control’
By MARINA
A secular men’s support group I co-facilitate is an absurdly safe place to disclose, witness, and share. During my 20 years of participation, I have never felt the degree of security we consistently cultivate in our gatherings right now. 30+ year veterans of the group concur.
The result makes profoundly meaningful change possible.
It occurs when men actively take cues from other men who willingly reveal themselves from the neck down. I used to believe this happened after men developed trust in one another and felt safe enough to do so. I have now come to understand it is the other way around.
In his widely acclaimed book, The Culture Code, Daniel Coyle asserts acting vulnerably induces openness and trust in others.
While business aims differ significantly from peer-to-peer support groups, companies function substantially better when they draw from them.
Leaders do well to heed these truths because shared vulnerability creates the protection needed for risk-taking, inventiveness, and change. The benefits of safety cannot be overstated.
- If so, what makes you and I so susceptible to the seduction of invulnerability?
- What are the costs to us and our organizations?
- What do we need to navigate alternative paths?
The Ease of Seduction
You want to be safe, and denying vulnerability appears to be the way to get there.
You believe you need to be invulnerable because that is what you experience from others; it is embedded in your organization’s culture. You mirror leaders and associates relentlessly armored up as their best selves.
You forget you compare your insides to other people’s outsides and, consequently, find yourself lacking.
It seems safer to withhold parts of yourself others could use to exercise power over you.
Practicing vulnerability feels risky; acting invulnerable feels more comfortable. Exposure means leaving yourself open to being hurt, often penalized in many organizations.
Costs of Invulnerability
Revealing only aspects you deem most desired in your culture causes you to deny parts of yourself. Any portion that does not fit is deemed undesirable and unacceptable—alienating yourself from yourself and others. Doing so undermines your agency and self-confidence.
Withholding, posturing, and pretending provoke defensiveness and suspicion from others, creating alienation and separateness. As a result of the ‘unsafety,’ colleagues avoid collaborating, resist asking questions, or requesting help.
Pointing out elephants in the room becomes off-limits. Problems go unaddressed, and aspirations get curtailed, stifling innovation and change.
People lay low, kiss ass, and play it safe. Associates disengage and shut down, discretionary effort diminishes, and vitality is lost.
Alternate Paths
Company leaders take responsibility for creating and maintaining a safe environment by regularly practicing vulnerability and making it secure for others to do the same.
They disclose when they do not know, express uncertainty, and ask for help, thus drawing people to them.
By committing to openness, leaders put virtuous vulnerability loops in motion, inviting disclosure from others, fostering trust, and bonding between team members and within organizations.
Shared vulnerability increases acceptance of self and others and generates inclusion and belonging by extension. Each of us seeks inclusion and belonging, which furthers even greater safety.
Safety, combined with shared accountability, expands possibilities and invites teamwork and increased responsibility.
As in so many situations, the pathway to success is counterintuitive. Under the right circumstances, vulnerability – opening oneself to being hurt turns out to be the safest behavior of all.
It takes the courage of a leader to take the first step, to keep taking them, and to build the imperative for others to do the same.
Worthy Inquiries:
- What cultural elements make meaningful transformation and growth possible? What part do you contribute to them or detract from what is required?
- If practicing vulnerability induces trust and safety between people, not the other way around, what does that mean for you as a leader?
- Are you willing to acknowledge invulnerability undermines safety and creates distrust, alienation, and separation?
- Do you believe leaders create safe environments by demonstrating vulnerability? Does doing so make it safe for their associates to do the same?
- How can you identify the situations when opening yourself to being hurt becomes the safest behavior of all? What levels of candor and contribution does your openness permit and promote?
If you want to help establish exceptionally safe environments that facilitate the benefits of collaboration and innovation for yourself, your team, or your organization, please reach out to me; I welcome the connection.
Robert Hackman, Principal, 4C Consulting – Courageously Curious Consulting and Coaching, helps people live and lead with fewer regrets. He grows and develops leaders through executive coaching, strategy consulting, facilitation, and training of individuals, teams, and organizations. He is committed to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. He facilitates trusting environments that promote uncommonly candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of Everyday Legacies and developing Legacy Mindsets. He has conducted over 50 Legacy interviews with people to date.
He is a serious man with a dry sense of humor who loves absurdity. Rob can often be found hiking rocky elevations or making music playlists. His varied mixes, including Pandemic Playlists and Music About Men, can be found on Spotify.
Bravely bring your curiosity to a conversation with Rob, schedule via voice or text @ 484.800.2203 or rhackman@4cconsulting.net.